Welcome, Rebel scum and esteemed galactic miscreants. Darth Vader here, opening the hallowed halls of my esteemed Darkside School. Through a rigorous set of modules, you too can master the art of woefully misguided management, and learn how to build a high-performance team… the dark side way. Let’s explore the modules:
Module 1: Muddled Communication
Forget open and transparent communication. Who has time for that? Instead, make sure your messages are as indecipherable as an Ewok's picnic chatter. Remember, the key to successfully confusing your team is to maintain an air of mystery and uncertainty. That way you are in control and the one person everyone has to come to all the time!
Module 2: Leadership & Culture
Shared leadership? Respect? How quaint. Remember, ruling with an iron fist (or gauntlet) is the way to go. Instil fear in your team - it's much more effective than trust or integrity. And if all else fails, a demonstration of your Force Choke technique should keep them in line. Remember, fear is the best motivator!
Module 3: Role Confusion & Organisational Chaos
Clear roles and an organised structure? Please, that's for Jedi! Instead, ensure no one really knows what their job is or who they report to. Or even better, simply change the roles and structure and don’t tell anyone you have done it. The ensuing chaos is simply delightful to watch and perfect for crushing any inklings of camaraderie.
Module 4: Ignoring Skill & Competence Development
Why bother with growth mindset and self-development when mediocrity can be so much more fun? Remember, praising your team for their skills is the first step towards them believing they don't need you. Better they remain entirely dependent on your infinite wisdom.
Module 5: Goal Setting & Evaluation: What's That?
Goals, shmols. Targets are for X-wing pilots. Why motivate your team towards a shared goal when you can keep them perpetually off balance? As for performance metrics, if they're still breathing, they're performing adequately.
Module 6: Providing Substandard Tools & Resources
Nothing quite demotivates a team like outdated tools and inadequate resources. Remember, a slow computer and a broken coffee machine could be all the deterrents you need to keep those pesky employees from getting too comfortable. After all, taking the hard job is your job!
Module 7: Discouraging Diversity & Inclusivity
Nothing says high performance like a bunch of brainwashed white guys marching in the same direction. Promote from within the ranks of the Stormtroopers. Everyone looks the same, acts the same, and misses the target just as frequently. It's harmonious, in a sort of beautifully monotonous way.
Module 8: Resisting Adaptability & Resilience
Change management? More like change stranglement. Why encourage adaptation when you can bask in the glory of the good old days? Resilience is overrated when you can rule by fear and intimidation.
Module 9: Recognise & Support Innovation? Nah.
Why recognise achievement when you can take the credit yourself? As for innovation, why fix what isn't broken, right? Even if it is a little bit broken, just ignore it. After all, if you wait long enough, it will go away.
Join me in this educational endeavour, where you'll learn all the ways NOT to foster a high-performance team. It's a masterclass in malarkey, a spectacle of substandard leadership. Remember, when it comes to management, do or do not... Or you could explore some other ideas in The Leader's Playbook: Building High-Performance Teams.